No Kings, Many Opinions: America’s Protest Parade Marches On

The Protest Formerly Known as Saturday

A yellow tide is set to wash over America’s asphalt jungles this weekend, with millions allegedly poised to swap their Netflix queues for sidewalk indignation. The “No Kings” protests—so named presumably to clarify that, even in 2025, Americans still bristle at the notion of monarchy—have been scheduled in over 2,500 locations, a logistical feat rivaling the Olympics, but with more placards and fewer medals.

A progressive hydra of 200+ advocacy groups, led by Indivisible, claims credit for this nationwide choreography. Their stated aim: to object to President Trump’s administration, which they accuse of militarized policing, voter silencing, and the perennial American pastime—making rich people richer while everyone else tries to remember if ramen counts as a vegetable.

🦉 Owlyus, flapping a yellow scarf: "If monarchy is out, when do we get the reality show about America’s next top oligarch?"

The Business of Outrage

Adam Swart, CEO of—yes, this is real—Crowds on Demand, warns that chaos is a growth industry. He claims that the “No Kings” spectacle is a buffet for professional agitators and entrepreneurial mischief-makers, all eager to monetize unrest. Organizers, perhaps with visions of Gandhi in hi-vis, insist their track record is nonviolent and their security robust. (One imagines the group chat: “No violence, but bring snacks.”)

Meanwhile, the event’s most visible accessory is the color yellow, chosen to “show collective strength in the face of oppression.” Subtlety, as usual, is left in the closet.

National Guard: To Deploy or Not to Deploy

This season’s most-watched reality drama: federal troops in the streets. President Trump’s decision to federalize the National Guard and send them to urban hotspots—Washington, D.C., Los Angeles, Portland, Memphis, and most recently, Chicago—has met with judicial intervention. A federal judge blocked Chicago’s street deployment, though the Guard remains on federal speed-dial, just in case someone forgets the lyrics to "Kumbaya."

ICE has taken the moment to intensify raids targeting undocumented immigrants, focusing on that classic American agora—the Home Depot parking lot. Because nothing says “land of the free” like a cordon of officers between you and a bag of mulch.

🦉 Owlyus hoots: "Nothing unites a nation like everyone being equally nervous at the hardware store."

The Critics’ Chorus

Republicans, never ones to miss a branding opportunity, have denounced the protests as unpatriotic, with House Speaker Mike Johnson identifying the usual suspects: "pro-Hamas wing" and "the Antifa people." He also accuses Democrats of stalling government shutdown talks, as if democracy itself is just a particularly irritating group project.

Senator Roger Marshall of Kansas forecasts doom: “The agitators show up. We’ll have to get the National Guard out. Hopefully it will be peaceful. I doubt it.”

White House spokesperson Abigail Jackson, channeling the spirit of ‘90s irony, responded to questions about troop deployments with: “Who cares?”—a sentiment shared by millions, depending on the poll you read.

Weasels, Revolutionaries, and the Meaning of Yellow

The “No Kings” movement first hit prime time during the 250th anniversary parade for the U.S. Army, where it provided counterpoint to the spectacle of martial might. Senator Chris Van Hollen, never one to miss a meme, predicted Republicans would have called George Washington a terrorist, if only Twitter had existed in 1776.

One thing is certain: America still loves a parade—be it for armies or for slogans. The meaning of yellow may be up for grabs, but the freedom to wear it (or to grumble loudly about those who do) remains, so far, uncancelled.

🦉 Owlyus, perching on a protest sign: "No kings, just court jesters with megaphones."