Homeland Security: Now Accepting Applications for Deportation, Pausing Everything Else

When Priorities Take the Express Lane

In the grand bureaucratic shuffle of recent years, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) found itself with a new unofficial motto: "Deportation Uber Alles." Under President Donald Trump, deporting immigrants became the department's not-so-secret obsession, elbowing aside a host of less headline-friendly tasks—like fighting child exploitation and dismantling sex trafficking rings.

🦉 Owlyus sighs: "When the to-do list says 'deport, deport, deport,' don't expect much time for 'protect, serve, or investigate.'"

Agents Reassigned: From Crimes Against Children to Crimes Against Borders

According to internal accounts and a cache of previously unseen DHS documents (the bureaucratic equivalent of a tell-all diary), agents who once investigated sexual crimes against children were abruptly repurposed for immigration enforcement. National security probes—say, into the Iranian black market—were left to gather dust. Even those tracking sex trafficking found themselves benched, all so the administration could make its arrest quotas a little less imaginary.

The Coast Guard, usually more at home with smugglers than spreadsheets, was also drafted into this landlocked campaign. Meanwhile, DHS staffers described being “berated” by White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller for the cardinal sin of not arresting enough people.

🦉 Owlyus mutters: "Berated for not filling the icebox—ICE box, get it?—with enough detainees. Tough crowd."

The Numbers Game: Who’s Actually Being Detained?

For all the fervor, the data tells a less cinematic story: less than 40 percent of those arrested by ICE had criminal convictions. The rest were swept up in the broad net of policy, their only crime being in the wrong place at the wrong executive order.

The pressure campaign showed no signs of fatigue. As of August, DHS facilities are home (not in the warm sense) to over 60,000 detainees—an all-time high. While other agencies watched their budgets emaciate, DHS’s own cup runneth over. ICE is projected to increase its staff by 66 percent in coming years. If organizational growth were a sport, ICE would be gunning for the championship.

🦉 Owlyus, with a final hoot: "If only fighting actual crimes grew as fast as the deportation budget, the world might be a less ironic place."

The Human Factor: Protecting Children, or Just Talking About It?

Lost in the shuffle are those who were supposed to be protected. Hany Farid, a computer scientist whose software helps law enforcement find child sexual abuse material, summed up the paradox: "You can't say you care about kids when you're diverting actual resources that are protecting children." But in Washington, the art of saying one thing while doing another remains undefeated.

The Chronicle’s Moral

Government can walk and chew gum at the same time—unless it’s decided to swallow the gum. In the end, when priorities are dictated by obsession, other essentials fall off the plate. Children, security, and justice aren’t just slogans—or at least, they shouldn’t be.