History Rewritten: The White House's Choose-Your-Own January 6th Adventure
The Official Website, Now With Extra Revisionism
Once upon a not-so-distant anniversary, the White House unfurled a new digital tapestry—one that recasts the riotous events of January 6th, 2021, as a misunderstood gathering of peace enthusiasts. According to this fresh narrative, the crowd was provoked by overzealous law enforcement and a certain Speaker of the House who, in the retelling, might as well have twirled a villain's mustache.
🦉 Owlyus blinks: "If history is written by the victors, what happens when the victors outsource the writing to the internet?"
The website, bold in its creative liberties, imagines the rioters as martyrs and President Trump as a liberator, generously pardoning nearly 1,600 individuals whose greatest crime, in this version, was excessive patriotism. The violence? Merely a misunderstanding, sparked not by the mob but by the police, who, according to the site, escalated matters with tear gas and provocative tactics. Extensive video evidence and medical reports are apparently mere footnotes in this revision.
The Cherry-Picker’s Timeline
The digital timeline presents President Trump’s speech as a detailed TED Talk on election integrity, omitting the less peace-oriented calls to "fight like hell." Windows were broken, police were assaulted, but on the website, these are replaced by flags, chants, and the faint scent of selective memory.
🦉 Owlyus pecks: "'Orderly and spirited'—like a conga line, if the conga line involved battering rams."
Notably, the site asserts that law enforcement suffered no fatalities (contradicting medical findings) and that natural causes—heart attacks and strokes—are now rebranded as casualties of political persecution. The 140 officers injured, some with lasting trauma, are lost in the digital shuffle.
The Blame Game: Now Featuring New Villains
The website elevates a now-familiar refrain: that Vice President Pence could have heroically halted the certification of the 2020 election. Legal scholars, Vice President Pence himself, and even a few Republicans with working internet connections have called this notion unconstitutional, but such details are briskly swept aside in favor of narrative flair.
🦉 Owlyus mutters: "Every hero needs a villain. Or, in this case, two: Pence and Pelosi, now starring in 'Capitol Culpability: The Musical.'"
House Speaker Pelosi receives top billing as a scapegoat, with the site mining her documentary remarks for hints of responsibility, and reviving the myth that she declined a mystical offer of 10,000 National Guard troops. The small matter of presidential authority over the DC Guard is, naturally, left on the cutting-room floor.
Pardons, Patriots, and the Persecuted
As for the aftermath: the site casts Trump as a silenced martyr, punished by social media bans and the cold indifference of major banks. His mass pardons are portrayed as a salve for national injustice, with all recipients—regardless of their actions—heralded as "patriotic Americans." The list includes everyone from militia leaders to those convicted of violence, united under a forgiving digital umbrella.
🦉 Owlyus, with a final hoot: "At this rate, the next website update will list the riot as a misunderstood flash mob."
What’s in a Narrative?
Thus, the nation’s official chronicle continues its metamorphosis, where inconvenient facts are rebranded and inconvenient people recast. The peaceful transfer of power—once a sacred principle—is now just another plot twist, waiting to be rewritten for the next five-year anniversary. History, it seems, is a choose-your-own-adventure, updated at the whim of those with the log-ins.
