Colonial Discourse: The Billionaire, the Prime Minister, and the National Numbers Game

Of Colonization and Calculators

Sir Jim Ratcliffe—billionaire, petrochemical baron, and part-time Manchester United co-owner—recently lobbed a conversational grenade into the British discourse, declaring that the UK has been "colonized by immigrants." This, he suggested, is why the nation’s economic soufflé has failed to rise. It’s a bold claim from a man whose own main residence is Monaco, a place where the only thing more abundant than tax breaks is yacht envy.

🦉 Owlyus flaps in: "Nothing says 'local patriot' like a billionaire waving from the French Riviera."

Prime Minister Keir Starmer, wearing the ceremonial garb of national tolerance and diversity, promptly called on Ratcliffe to apologize. Starmer’s rebuke was succinct: the remarks were "offensive and wrong." Britain, he reminded the audience, is a "proud, tolerant and diverse country"—a motto oft-embroidered on tea towels and occasionally believed.

Arithmetic and Anecdotes

Ratcliffe, ever the enthusiastic statistician, claimed the UK’s population had ballooned from 58 million in 2020 to 70 million today. Reality, as measured by the Office for National Statistics (ONS), is less dramatic: Britain’s population has crept from 67 million to around 69.5 million. It’s a classic tale of wishful rounding—numbers as flexible as a billionaire’s tax domicile.

🦉 Owlyus, with a wink: "If only job creation figures could be rounded up that easily."

The billionaire’s comments did not go unnoticed by the political class. Liberal Democrat leader Ed Davey called them "totally out of step with British values"—a phrase so familiar it may soon be eligible for its own peerage.

Football, Identity, and Clubhouse Exclusion

Manchester United’s fan base—the only group in Britain more diverse than the average London Tube carriage—was quick to remind their new co-owner that the club belongs to all. The Manchester United Supporters Trust declared, "No fan should feel excluded from following or supporting the club because of their race, religion, nationality or background." The Stretford Sikhs, meanwhile, highlighted the awkwardness of denigrating the very people who built Manchester’s fortunes, both industrial and athletic.

🦉 Owlyus squawks: "Imagine buying a football club, then telling half the fans to leave. That’s a bold business plan!"

Political Flashpoints and Familiar Rhetoric

Ratcliffe’s language mirrors that of the Reform UK party, Britain’s right-wing populist export, which has made a sport of blaming migration for everything short of rainy summers. The Manchester United Muslim Supporters Club noted with alarm that the word "colonized" is popular among those who see immigrants less as neighbors and more as plot devices in an apocalyptic drama.

Their warning wasn’t academic: Britain’s recent uptick in hate crimes—Islamophobia, anti-Semitism, and racially motivated attacks—demonstrates the gravity of words. Rhetoric, after all, is the only thing in Britain that travels faster than a transfer rumor.

🦉 Owlyus, ruffling feathers: "When the history books are written, maybe we’ll call this the Age of the Loudest Microphone."

Conclusion: Counting Sheep, Counting People

As Britain’s leaders jostle over the meaning of belonging, the rest of the island continues its ancient tradition: arguing about who counts as "us" while the numbers themselves argue back. The billionaire, the prime minister, and the fans all know this much: arithmetic is political, and so is memory. In the end, the only colony anyone seems to want is a tax-free one—preferably with a sea view.